Not Convenient But True Helper

I came to the United States in 2013 and will return to Japan in 2021. I didn’t expect to stay this long in the States when I first came to America. Taeho asked me to write a testimony, but initially, I didn't know what to write. My days in America were filled with trials and confusion, compared to my days in Japan. I was born in a Christian home, was surrounded by friends and family, and lived without any financial anxiety. But since I moved to the United States, I had learned that it is very difficult to secure food, keep a place to sleep, and build good relationships with friends and family from scratch.

When I was in Japan, I had a pastor, church friends, and a family whom I could trust and rely on. Even when I was in trouble, I felt I could ask them for a prayer and help anytime. Through the people around me, I could believe that God was a convenient helper. In that kind and protected environment, I also felt that my faith grew, and I always could return to God. The various opportunities I sought in my prayers were immediately answered in a visible way.

Even though I graduated from a graduate school in Japan, I had no academic background in the United States. In addition to teaching Japanese, the only job I got in the States was cleaning toilets. The cleaning job – because I didn't have the guts, I only had it for about a year, and every day I asked myself what I was doing with my life. When I got pregnant, I got extremely anxious. I called insurance company and doctor’s office to understand the procedures and costs involved in the delivery and hospitalization. After I gave birth, I thoroughly researched the network and benefits I can receive related to child-rearing. There were countless other difficulties, but no one would help when I was crying because I didn’t know what to do or when I stumbled and fell. In the end, I learned that when there is a problem that cannot be helped, I have no choice but to stand up and fight. God was no longer a convenient helper.

However, in this struggle, being totally alone in America, I also learned to truly interact with God for the first time. When I felt truly lonely, when I worried about what the future would hold, when I was overwhelmed and felt I was worthless, and when I really couldn't find anyone to talk to about these things, I could finally, truly rely on God.

Many people may think that this is nothing special, but if I dare to write it, it was a big discovery for me. For me, living in the States was like walking blindfolded and having no clue what was ahead of me. Praying to God and believing only in Him that there was a way ahead, I took a trembling step each moment and each day. I'm a small person with no faith, so I couldn't take unwavering steps with full trust in God as others would do. From the point of view of God, I probably looked like a foolish turtle who crawls slowly in the middle of the wide road that God had already prepared for me.

When I look back now, God has been certainly there. He did not give me a spectacular work or career I prayed for in the United States, and most of my prayers were answered with silence, but He provided everything I really needed. I met people who had nothing for themselves but were willing to give to others because they believed in God. I met people who would reach out to others in trial without hesitation because they knew the suffering themselves. These people were my gift from God. On the other hand, I also saw how ugly some people could be. I came to know my own limitation and weakness in human nature too. But in the midst of these struggles, I came to know that real help comes only from God.

This is another embarrassing confession, but when my life wasn’t as fulfilling as I expected, the last humanly hope I held onto was the fact that Taeho was a lawyer. I was very proud that I had supported Taeho who worked hard, and I thought that Taeho's honor and pride were my honor and pride. But God took it away. It was the thing I was desperately clinging onto. But as I write this now, my heart is full of liberation and exhilaration. This is because I finally feel that I am standing in the path the Lord set out for me, and I know that God will surely support my future life in Japan.

Ayumi